


sing all your questions to sleep

by ADreamingSongbird



Series: harbor [3]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, also hes on a journey to love and healing and acceptance, ash is fine fuck canon, mentions of ash's shitty past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 19:30:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17229860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADreamingSongbird/pseuds/ADreamingSongbird
Summary: Ash's demons follow him to Japan, but Eiji is prepared to fight off every last one.





	sing all your questions to sleep

**Author's Note:**

> ash has a nightmare. eiji has a big heart. what happens next will absolutely not shock you at all (spoilers: they hug.)
> 
> big thanks to ollie for reading through for me!!! 💖

Eiji wakes to the sound of his name.

“Eiji,” Ash whimpers, tossing and turning and so hopelessly tangled in the blanket he’s like a cocoon. “No, no—no! Please… Eiji, no…”

Bleary, Eiji blinks a few times to clear the fog of sleep away and rubs his eyes, groaning. It’s the middle of the night. “Wh…?”

Ash’s voice goes breathless and hard. “No!”

Eiji rolls over, props himself up on one elbow, and squints into the darkness, legs stuck somewhere in the blanket mess, and then the realization of what’s going on slams into him with the force of a sack of bricks: Ash’s eyes are still closed. He’s having a nightmare.

“Ash,” he whispers, reaching over to tentatively touch his shoulder. “Ash, wake up, it’s okay.”

“No… no…” Ash’s voice catches in his throat and tugs painfully at Eiji’s heart. He doesn’t know what exactly Ash is seeing—he never wants to talk about it, and Eiji can’t blame him—but whatever it is, it’s horrible enough to make him cry, and that hurts to see. “No more…”

“Ash!” He tries more insistently, giving his shoulder a little squeeze. “Ash, wake—”

Ash flails in a blind panic, and his elbow connects solidly. Pain explodes in Eiji’s jaw, and he falls back onto his pillow with a thump and a yelp.

Abruptly, Ash sits bolt upright, chest heaving, and gulps in deep lungfuls of air. He’s shaking hard enough that even in the dimness Eiji can see him trembling, and that’s enough that he ignores the pain to sit up too.

“Ash?”

“Eiji.” Ash is hoarse and shaky. “Eiji?”

“You are safe,” Eiji tells him softly, lifting a hand to gingerly probe his jaw and wincing when he presses against it. That’ll probably be a bruise. “You are in Japan with me, and we are okay. We are safe.”

Ash exhales deeply, shoulders slumping. “Fuck.”

“It is okay.” Eiji hesitates. “Can… can I touch you?”

Ash nods once, jerky and sharp, and Eiji reaches for his hand, takes it in both of his and caresses the lines in his palm, then runs his fingers up his arm to his shoulder. Ash lets out another shaky breath and bows his head, and Eiji wraps one arm about his shoulders and pulls him to slump against his chest. He comes willingly, limp like a broken doll, and tucks his face into Eiji’s shoulder and sniffles.

Eiji wants to protect him, now and forever.

He rubs little circles into the back of Ash’s shoulder and asks, like clockwork, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Like clockwork, Ash shakes his head. “Wanna forget it.”

This is part of the nightly routine—not quite every night, but most nights. Ash has been having nightmares much more frequently now than back in New York, and Eiji knows he hates it, thinks he’s being a burden by always waking him up, but truly Eiji’s almost grateful, in some roundabout way, that at least this—giving comfort, holding him—is something Ash is finally letting him do. He wants to take care of him. So he nods and rubs Ash’s shoulder some more and just says, “Okay.”

Ash is warm, almost too-warm and sweaty from thrashing around, but outside the blankets it feels nice to hold him, warding off the slight chill of the room.

“Do you want some water?”

Ash hesitates. “Maybe…”

That’s a yes, then. Eiji rocks him back and forth as he sniffles again, trying to keep himself from crying, and ignores the pain in his jaw as he lays his cheek against his hair. “I will go get you some. I will be right back.”

Ash’s arms, wrapped loosely around his waist, squeeze hard for just a moment, and then withdraw. “Thanks.”

Eiji kisses the top of his head as he pulls back, extricates his legs from the blanket, and gets to his feet. “Anytime, Ash.”

In the kitchen, the sound of running water is obnoxiously loud against the silence, and he winces as it fills the cup. Nobody wakes up, though, so he sighs in relief and takes it back to his room, where Ash has turned on the lamp and is sitting up, scrolling through something on his phone. He looks up as Eiji closes the door behind him.

“Hey.”

“Here you go,” Eiji says, settling down behind him and passing him the water. Ash takes it, and Eiji rests his chin on his shoulder, arms around his waist, and leans against his back as he drinks. “Are you feeling any better?”

Ash drains the glass, sets it aside, and wipes his mouth on the back of his hand before answering. “Yeah. Kinda. It was just… ugh. It was…”

Eiji interrupts by pressing a little kiss to his shoulder to stop him. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

“No, I know.” Ash sighs shortly, annoyed with himself, and leans back into him. Eiji lets him, running one hand up his chest to rest over his heart, and Ash lays his hand on top of it in wordless thanks. “It was kind of, uh… a flashback, I guess, if that’s like, the right word? It just really threw me off. Because like… you were in it, too, and… ugh, actually, no, I don’t wanna think about it. Sorry.”

Eiji nods. “No need to be sorry! That is understandable. Do you want more water?”

“Nah.” Ash sighs again, then twists around to look at him apologetically. “I dunno if I can sleep again y—hey, wait,” and then he sits up, frowning, and cups Eiji’s chin in one hand. Eiji blinks at him as he turns his head to the side facing the lamp, frown deepening, and then his thumb brushes over his jaw, and, oh, right. That. “What happened here…? Wasn’t there when we went to sleep.”

Damn Ash and his good memory and his sharp eyes. “Oh, it is nothing, really. It is red because I was lying on it?”

Ash narrows his eyes. “Why do you sound like you’re asking me if that’s what happened? God, you’re seriously still the worst liar I know.”

Eiji fidgets. “It is not a big deal!”

And somehow, that makes it click. Ash’s eyes widen, and Eiji watches them fill with dawning horror. “Did… did I do this?”

Dammit, this is exactly what he wanted to avoid! “You were asleep,” Eiji protests. “And having a nightmare! It was not your fault, you did not know—”

“Fuck,” Ash hisses, jerking his hand away from his cheek as though burned. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m so sorry, oh my god, I—I’m—oh, god, Eiji, shit, how—what did—”

“Ash!” Eiji reaches for him, but he pulls away. He’s trembling again. “Ash, it was an accident, and it is fine, I am okay! I have had worse!”

He meant he’s had worse face bruises from bad falls back in his pole vaulting days, but as soon as the words leave his mouth he winces and wishes he could take them back, because Ash flinches and his eyes drop to his side, where they both know the bullet scar lies.

“I didn’t mean—”

“I know,” Ash says roughly. He drops his face into one hand, shoulders hunched in on himself, and exhales a harsh breath. “I know.”

Helpless, Eiji falls silent and watches him, hands fretting in his lap and fingers curling into the hem of his shirt. He’s fine, and it was an accident, but he can see the storm raging in Ash’s mind that’s twisting it into so much more, and he doesn’t know how to quell it. Not when Ash won’t let him.

“It’s swelling a bit.” Ash looks up at him for a brief second, then back to the floor. His face is so unreadable it speaks volumes. “You should ice it.”

Eiji bites his lip. “Ash…”

“Go!” Ash looks away, hands curling into fists against his knees. “I _hurt_ you! Go away, Eiji!”

_Technically, this is my room_ , Eiji almost says, but he holds his tongue, because now is not the right time to argue semantics. And the last thing he wants is Ash running off instead. Especially here in Japan, where he still struggles to read kanji. Instead he lifts his chin and refuses to budge. “I am not going anywhere!”

“Well—fuck, fine! I’m the one that shouldn’t be here!” Ash buries his face in his hands. “I knew all I ever bring to you is pain and danger and I still came here because I’m selfish and weak, I knew it was selfish but I still did it and—”

“Ash, shut up!” Eiji grabs his wrist and pulls his hand away, clutching at it like a lifeline. “You are not being selfish! Stop! Listen to me!”

Ash jerks his arm away and chokes on a sob, turning away. “ _Don’t touch me!”_

“Aslan!” Eiji reaches for him desperately, catching at his sleeve. “Listen to me, listen, please! It was an accident, I know you would never hurt me intentionally and you know it too, and it doesn’t matter!”

“I’ve never meant for you to get hurt but I always end up being the reason you get hurt anyway!” Ash hunches in on himself, tears spilling down his cheeks, and god, Eiji can see he’s miles and miles away lost somewhere in his own mind, where there is nothing but hurt and blame. “It doesn’t matter if I never meant it—I didn’t mean for you to get shot, either, but—”

“Oh my god!” Eiji cries. “Are you really equating accidentally elbowing me in your sleep to someone sending assassins after you? It is not at all the same! And, Ash, Yut-Lung wanting you dead was not your fault either!”

“I let my guard down and you got hurt!” Ash whips around to glare at him, eyes red and filled with tears. “I let my guard down and this time I was the one who hurt you! You’re just—you’re too good to see it—”

“I’m not!” Eiji shoves the blanket aside, frustrated, and reaches for his hand again. How can he get through the walls of guilt? There has to be a way. “You are hurting and you see yourself as the worst person, but maybe you are wrong and I am right, instead of what you say.”

Ash shudders, but he lets Eiji hold his hand this time. “I, I can’t, I’m… I’m a fucked up mistake, it was stupid of me to think I could live a normal life and just leave the rest behind, I should never—I should never have c-come—I should, I—fuck,” and his voice cracks.

“Don’t say that,” Eiji whispers, heart pounding a dull ache in his chest. “I am so, so happy you came here.”

“Me too,” Ash sobs, dashing at his eyes with his free hand. “I don’t—fuck, I can’t, I hurt you, I hurt you, you c-can’t ignore that—”

“It is no different than if you accidentally stepped on my foot or bumped into me in the kitchen.” Eiji squeezes his hand. “I can ignore that. It is okay, Ash, it is okay.”

“It’s not!” Ash cries, yanking his hand away and jumping to his feet as if to run away, but the fight drains back out of him just as fast as it came and he bows his head. “It wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t all fucked up and broken and wrong and—and—”

“You're not,” Eiji starts to say, except before he can, the worst possible thing happens:

The door squeaks as it opens, and his little sister's innocent, nosy head appears through the crack.

“Are you okay? I heard raised voices and—”

She freezes, taking them in, and Eiji realizes what she must see—him, sitting there with an angry, red cheek, and Ash, turned away but tense, standing over him—and his stomach drops.

“Nahoko,” he says tersely. “Go away, Ash and I are having a talk. It's fine.”

Her voice is a little shrill. “What happened to your face?!”

“I hit him.” Ash sounds hollow and empty and defeated, and the dread in the pit of Eiji's stomach swells in sudden horror. “I hit him, Nahoko. I'm—”

“Aslan Jade Callenreese!” Eiji leaps to his feet. “Stop that right now! It was an accident and you know it, both you and I know you would never hurt me on purpose, so stop it! Stop!”

“Nii-san,” Nahoko breathes. “Is it—did he—?”

“He had a nightmare!” Eiji cries, exasperated and frustrated and suddenly terrified that if Nahoko tells his parents Ash hurt him, they'll want him gone and he'll agree. “He had a nightmare and hit me on accident and now he is beating himself up for it!”

Ash sinks to his knees, shaking, and starts to cry harder. He still isn't looking at either of them, facing the wall and curling in on himself, and Eiji's heart hurts. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…”

“Who even is he,” Nahoko hisses in Japanese, casting him a fearful glance and still hiding behind the door. “He hurt you and you're saying it's an accident but—”

“Shut up!” Eiji glares at her, white hot anger suddenly coursing through him. How dare she imply Ash would ever raise a hand to him, how dare she, how _dare_ she! “You don't know what you're talking about, he would never hurt me, never, and he has protected me with his life, so don't you dare suggest he would willingly hurt me, Nahoko, don't you dare!”

Nahoko stares at him with wide, fearful eyes, and for a fleeting moment the guilt for yelling at her threatens to swallow him, but then he turns around and Ash is curled up into a ball, face in his hands, sobbing.

“Eiji,” he manages. “Eiji, don't fight with your family over me, I'm sorry, I'm ruining your life, fuck, I'm not worth this, please don't fight!”

Desperate to reassure him, Eiji flings himself back to his side, falling to his knees and placing a hand on his back. He’s being pulled in too many directions—to Ash, to Nahoko—but Ash needs him more, and he has to help him. “You are worth everything, Aslan. Please let me give it to you.”

Nahoko wavers. Then, to Eiji's dismay, she turns on her heel and announces, “I'm getting Kaa-san,” and marches out the door.

“Oh, god,” Eiji mutters.

But the most important thing right now is tending to Ash. He can handle his family later.

Ash hasn't shrugged him off, at least, which is a good sign; Eiji runs his hand over his back for a moment and finally asks, “Can I hold you?”

Ash hesitates, but after a moment he nods stiffly and lifts his head. Eiji can't help leaning down to kiss his forehead, drawing him closer as he sits back up, until Ash's head settles against his chest and he can fold his arms about his shoulders.

They sit together, curled close, for a heartbeat or two. Ash sniffles, and Eiji strokes his fingers through the soft hair above the nape of his neck. He's precious, soft and small and sweet, vulnerable in ways that make Eiji want to protect him forever, and so full of love it almost hurts. Eiji never wants to let go of him. His golden treasure, his lovely sunshine, his Aslan.

“It is not selfish of you to let me comfort you.” He cards his fingers through Ash's hair, and is rewarded by a soft hum of acknowledgment. “I want to take care of you. I get scared thinking you'll leave instead of letting me be here for you. I like knowing I am helping you. It makes me glad, to know I can be as good for you as you are for me.”

“Not good for you,” Ash sniffles. “Hurt you. Putting you in danger.”

“Oh, Ash…” Eiji sighs, kissing the top of his head. “You make me happier than anyone I have ever known. I think that is worth something, also. Not just the bad things.”

Ash has no answer to that.

Eiji rocks him back and forth, rubs his shoulders, and wonders if it's physically possible to burst from loving someone too much. Ash shifts against him, one hand slipping around his waist so tentatively that Eiji's heart cracks at how much he's braced for rejection.

And then the door opens again. Ash tenses, but Eiji tightens his arms, keeping him close. If his mother wants a fight, he'll give her one, but he's not letting go of Ash. No matter what Nahoko said.

“Eiji.” Kaa-san steps into the room, brow furrowed in concern. She looks only at him, not to Ash. “Nahoko said our guest hit you?”

_Our guest_. So she's mad enough she's reverted to polite passive aggression. She won't say his name. His heart sinks.

“It is more polite to speak English, so we can all understand,” he answers, trying to keep himself from sounding too snippy and defensive but probably failing. “And it was an accident. Nahoko just likes drama.”

Her disapproving frown deepens, probably because of the jab at Nahoko. “An accident. What kind of accident leads to you being hit in such a way?"

“I'm sorry,” Ash chokes out. “I—”

“Hush.” Eiji rubs a little circle into the back of his neck. “I can handle this.” To his mother, he lifts his chin and meets her gaze squarely. “He had a nightmare, and happened to hit me in his sleep. He would never hurt me on purpose.”

She softens slightly, but there's still suspicion in her stance. Eiji wants to yell in consternation. Why won't she just believe him and go? Was he so cryptic about his time in America that she thinks he's a naive fool who will make excuses for people who hurt him?

“That must have been some nightmare.” She presses her lips together, looking at the two of them. “Will he be alright?”

It's a loaded question. She is so overprotective of him that she doesn't believe there could be a nightmare horrific enough to justify lashing out and hitting him, even as an accident, so she implies the nightmare is only an excuse. Eiji wants to yell. His family doesn't need to try to protect him all the time! He can handle himself!

“It was a very bad nightmare.” Ash tenses in his arms again, and Eiji taps two fingers against the base of his neck, voice softening as he looks down at him. “Do you want to tell her about it?”

Ash shakes his head. “No, but… you can. You can, uh. Tell her everything. About me. I don't… I don't mind.”

Eiji gives him a searching look. It's true he never has exactly been reticent with talking about his past before, but doing it in the intimacy of this bedroom in the dark still seems different, more sensitive. It’s because he’s come to think of this place as Ash’s sanctuary, he realizes, a safe place away from the horrors. But that’s silly—there’s no leaving them behind, not fully.

“Are you sure?”

Ash nods, a tiny little motion that he feels more than sees. “I trust you.”

Oh.

Heart squeezing, Eiji hugs him tight and nods. “Yes. Okay. Kaa-san, you want to know why he has such awful nightmares?”

His mother nods once, eyes still sharp. Eiji considers his words; Ash's nightmare tonight involved him, but despite his blanket permission to share, he wants to let Ash keep some privacy, especially with the banana fish incident and all the more recent horrors.

So instead of _he blames himself for me getting shot_ or _he had to watch his best friend nearly murder m_ e or any of the thousand other things he could mention about his two years in America, he looks down at Ash and says, “When he was eleven, he ran away from his aunt's house. A bad man found him on the street, and… and he, ah, he forced…”

Awkwardly, he trails off, the words too foul on his tongue. Ash lifts his head.

“There's always a market for child sex slaves,” he says, numb and tired. “And nobody came looking for me, so it was extra convenient.”

Kaa-san's horrified gasp is loud enough to give Eiji a flicker of satisfaction, in some twisted way. _Yes_ , he thinks. _See, you want to protect him just as I do._

“When you're eleven, you can't really fight off grown men. I tried. It never worked.” Ash lays his head on Eiji's shoulder, voice distant and eyes dull. “I have nightmares a lot.”

“Oh,” Kaa-san breathes. She comes closer, kneels, and sits next to him, though she doesn’t reach for Ash, her hands folding in her lap. “Oh, you poor child—”

“And he would never hurt me, and he is blaming himself for an accident, and he should know it was not his fault,” Eiji adds, technically at his mother but mostly meant for Ash. More quietly, he adds, “And I love him very much.”

Ash's voice is a little muffled, but Eiji still smiles when he answers, “He loves you too.”

“I am sorry. I was too quick to judge,” Kaa-san says. She reaches out to lay a hand on Ash's shoulder, but Eiji shakes his head quickly and she pulls back. After a moment she shifts gears, glancing at Eiji with a raised brow as if to ask, _can you handle this?_

Eiji nearly rolls his eyes because he _was_ handling this before she and Nahoko barged in, but just nods. He's got Ash, now and forever.

Kaa-san sits back on her heels. “Aslan, is there anything you need? I can fix you some tea.”

“No, I'm fine, I don’t want to be trouble…” Ash hesitates, and Eiji pokes him in the arm because he should speak up if he wants something. “Um. Actually. Tea would… be nice?”

“It is no trouble. I will make it.” Kaa-san nods. Eiji kind of wants to laugh, because she's adopted Ash as her own to take care of so quickly now, instead of holding him at arm's length and being suspicious. “And I will bring you ice, Eiji. It will all be alright, yes?” She looks at Ash, curled up like a baby in Eiji's arms, and clasps her hands together, clearly a bit out of her depth but trying. “You are safe here. No bad men will hurt you. It is safe.”

Ash looks at her with big, wide eyes, and a tiny but achingly real smile blooms over his face. He’s _beautiful_ , Eiji thinks, heart tugging in his chest as he wipes away a leftover tear running down Ash’s cheek. “Thanks.”

As she leaves the room, Ash flings his arms around Eiji and squeezes him tight, tight, tight. Eiji laughs breathlessly and hugs him back, relieved beyond words that the worst is behind them. Ash is okay. Ash is okay, and he’s warm and soft and snuggly and perfect, and he’s okay.

“Ash?”

“Thank you,” he whispers, face buried in Eiji's neck. “Thank you for taking care of me even when I'm a stubborn idiot.”

Eiji kisses his hair. “Of course. You are my stubborn idiot.”

Ash snorts. “Romantic, aren’t you.”

“Yes.” Eiji gives him a squeeze, ridiculously glad that he’s feeling stable enough to tease now. “Yes, I am.”

Ash snorts again, relaxing against him, and reaches for his hand, twining his fingers together. “Well, you’re still doing a better job romancing me than anyone else ever has.”

Eiji opens his mouth, closes it, and reconsiders. Then he sighs, ruffles Ash’s hair, and promises, “And I will, for the rest of our lives.”

"Please do," Ash says, squeezing his hand. "I look forward to it."

**Author's Note:**

> ash: oh god, i've fooled eiji into thinking i'm worthy of love and compassion  
> nahoko: i think you're a good person, aslan callenreese.  
> ash:  
> ash: _oh god, i've fooled eiji and nahoko into thinking--_  
>  nozomi: you make my son happier than he has been in years, you know. if you are in need, we are all here for you.  
> ash:  
> ash:  
> ash: _**oh god, i've fooled the entire okumura household--**_  
>  eiji: spritzes him with spray gun


End file.
